TODDLERS & SHARING
Toddlers lack impulse control and also lack an understanding of others' feelings (empathy) so they are not really capable of sharing as we know it. You may have noticed your toddler doing some examples of "proto-sharing" — showing an object to other people and allowing them to manipulate it without quite letting go.
Though it doesn't look like it, it's a big step toward sharing, so reinforce it. "How nice of you to show Ashley your telephone," you might say. It is not until they are closer to 3 usually that they will have enough empathy and experience to understand how sharing works and to be bought in on the concept.
In the meantime in-between time, here are ways to begin to teaching the value of SHARING to your littles:
We can practice taking turns by initiating games where each child takes a turn tossing a block into the bucket or rolling a ball back and forth– alternating turns. You can even say, "Your turn, my turn, your turn, my turn, etc." Getting the rhythm of this helps a child realize that she/he can take turns and understand what "a turn" even means.
Call attention to others' feelings and desires. If a child wants your child’s toy, you could say “It looks like Sophia wants a turn with that block. What can we share with her?” Involve your child in problem solving the issue.
Practice by handing your child two of the same or very similar toys. Ask her to give one to her friend and choose one for herself.
When your child wants something another child has – give them the simple language to ask for it: “Say ‘Say turn please.’” It is okay if your child has to wait awhile until they get a turn--this teaches the value of patience. If you notice the other child has put the object down, you could say, "Look, she is done with the toy! Now you can have a turn."
For young toddlers, the general rule is that it is someone's turn until they put the object down. A couple exceptions to this are playthings at the park such as swings, one person trampolines, etc. and you can say to your child, "Look there are others waiting. Let's do 10 more jumps and then give someone else a chance.”
When another child tries to take a toy from your child, say to that child on your child’s behalf “Henry is having a turn with that right now. Would you like a turn with this toy while you are waiting? After Henry’s turn, your turn!” And be upbeat about it with a smile so they understand they have something good coming if they can wait.
If they grab each other’s toys, they are doing an age-appropriate version of attempting to initiate play. They are saying “I want to play with you.” Help them to verbalize that appropriately by saying “Emma, Brooke wants to play with you.” Instead of “Be nice.” Or “Don’t grab.”
If the toddlers are not making an issue of it – don’t intervene. Best to let them work it out between them unless it’s upsetting to either. Mediation takes practice. Kids gain vital social skills when they encounter — and learn to unravel — conflict. . . . Kids who don't have conflict-mediation skills are glaringly obvious. They expect adults to solve their problems , and they run for help whenever they encounter conflict. At this age, if they are upset, teach your child the language to use to advocate for him/herself.
If your child is having issues with sharing (either constantly grabbing toys from others or being the victim and getting upset about it), it may make sense to be on the floor with them during playdates, helping them initiate play. They might need us there, showing and teaching by example, initiating interaction, modeling appropriate play.
It’s also okay not to share sometimes. Teach your child to say “I’m not done yet. It’s still my turn. You can have a turn when I’m finished.” Children who aren’t forced to share will usually give up their toy sooner because they feel empowered, and they’ll be less prone to hogging the goods later.
It is okay for your child to not want to share everything. There may be objects in the house that are off-limits to others--they should feel empowered to have some ownership over their things. When friends are coming over and you anticipate the power struggle, ask your child if there are special toys he/she doesn’t feel like sharing today. Decide on a couple and let them help you put those toys away for the duration of the playdate. Doing this frees them up to feel more open to sharing the other toys in the house, knowing they got to choose which ones were “off-limits.”
It's not really appropriate to punish or shame a child for not sharing. We can let them know it makes us a little sad or disappointed (and friends' feelings too) when they don’t share but that’s it. Don’t make a big deal of it.
If you are in the middle of a playdate and your kids are having a particularly hard time with the sharing and melting down, offer an activity that both can equally participate in like baking cookies, drawing a picture or playing with playdoh, etc.
For the child who lets the other kids run all over them– who lets other children rip the toy right out of their hands without protesting, two things: 1) If it really doesn’t bother them, let it go. If you sense that your child is upset and did want that toy but was intimidated or unable to respond, then 2) teach/model how to advocate for him or herself in that situation. Tell them, “If you want that toy--HOLD ON TIGHT.” When you are not in the situation, later at home, you can role play this with your child. In a smiling and positive tone pretend to take away a toy they are holding and cup their fingers showing them how to hold on tight. Tell them to say “'I am having a turn’ if you want this.” Repeat this exercise until you think it’s clear. Reinforce the message in context when it occurs and wait for them to surprise you by pulling this tool out of their toolbox when they feel ready.
For families with multiple kids in the house, it is useful to have family sharing rules. For example, you could have some of the following rules at play:
All books belong to everyone.
Items in the family room are for everyone. If one child is having a turn with the Magnatiles, it is their turn while they are using it but once they are done someone else can use them OR your structure stays standing for 2 hours before someone else can have a turn.
Birthday presents for each child belong to that child and s/he is allowed to keep them in their room and no one else can use them without his/her permission.
With regard to “being nice” - Young kids will play with some kids and ignore others. That's OK. As an adult, you don't like everyone you meet, and it's unrealistic to expect a child will have equal feelings toward everyone. Don't force children to play together. Let them choose their own playmates. Free play includes the right to choose your playmate. This is what children need to learn: You don't have to like everyone. You don't have to play with everyone. You do have to be decent to everyone.
Remember, sharing is a skill that children learn through practice. Best to understand that it may be closer to 3 until they are ready developmentally to know how to share. In the meantime, be patient and repeat, repeat, repeat.