HELPING BIG KIDS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS

It’s hard to have a deep connection with another person if we don’t talk about our feelings.  As our kids get older, it's tempting to be instructive when we talk to them, to focus on telling them what to do and how the world works. This type of parenting is important, but should not come at the expense of learning about how our kids are doing and feeling and encouraging our kids to be able to talk about this. Their feelings are a window into their soul, their deepest self. Their feelings are instructive and important. So how do we get kids–especially the reluctant ones–to talk about their feelings? 

7 COMMUNICATION PITFALLS

Here are 7 communication pitfalls–and how to avoid them–to encourage reluctant kids to talk about their feelings.

DON’T FREAK OUT 

Kids won’t talk about their feelings if they believe it will worry you, or create discomfort for you.

Solution: Be calm and confident in their ability to handle difficult situations. Say, “I’m confident that you will be able to get through this”. If needed you can ask what they would do if they get “in over their head”. Say, “If you get stuck you can come to me or go to ____ for help.”

Don’t take their feelings personally or get defensive…

Even if a child is upset with you, let them express themselves completely before you offer your point of view. Don’t get upset that they didn’t come sooner to talk to you (they came as soon as they could).

Solution: Listen completely. Reflect back to them what you’ve heard… even if it’s a complaint about you. After kids are completely heard then they can start to listen to you.

Don’t blame them

Avoid saying, “I told you so” or “You got what you deserve” or “What did you expect to happen?” If a child is struggling with a situation they already probably feel vulnerable, incompetent, embarrassed, or ashamed.

Solution: Show them kindness and compassion (even if you “told them so”). Say, “You really didn’t want that to happen” or “That makes sense”. Your kindness and compassion will show them that they can come to you even when they have messed up.

Don’t shut down the conversation

Adults sometimes shut down conversations by asking a child to go have their feelings in another room, telling them to “calm down” (telling kids to calm down doesn’t help them to calm down), or just not being available.

Solution: You don’t have to be available for your kids all the time, if you’re busy then just say so, and state when you will be free. If you aren’t “emotionally available” then take a break. Say “I’m having a tough time right now. It’s not you’re fault. I’m going to take a break for ___ minutes and then we can talk more.”

Don’t invalidate their feelings

Don’t say, “That’s not such a big deal” or “You’re just being dramatic/too sensitive.” or “You just want attention.”

Solution: Have empathy. Say “That makes sense that you’d feel that way” or “It sounds like you’re feeling ___. Is that how you feel?” or “Oh, I hear you”.

Don’t accuse a child of lying

Nothing shuts down a conversation quicker than if you say to a child that they aren’t telling the truth.

Solution: When a child says something that you don’t think is true, ask more questions. Say, “Help me understand____” or “How did ___ happen?” Ask “Is there something else about this that you’re afraid to tell me?” Reassure your child. Say, “You’re not going to be in trouble.” Kids lie to adults most frequently to avoid getting in trouble, if you remove this concern then you’ll have a deeper conversation.

Don’t always wait for kids to come to you

This one varies from child to child. Some kids will open up after you make it clear that you are interested in having a conversation; other kids will talk only if they come to you. Kids are less likely to open up to us if they sense we are being needy, or too attached, or we have an agenda or an expectation of them.

Solution: Initiate conversations with your child sometimes. Be curious. Show interest in their life. Seek them out. Ask about how things are going. Ask about the tough stuff. Say “Tell me more”, “What else is going on?”

For most children, it’s natural to share their feelings. Avoid these communication pitfalls and maximize the likelihood that your children will continue to talk about their feelings for years to come… even through their teen years.

Do not give advice – unless it is wanted.

The number one complaint I hear from kids (my own included!) is that they do not want our advice. Well that’s confusing? Your daughter cries to you about her friend drama or your son talks about the mean kids on the bus. You naturally move in with your words of wisdom.

Sit with their feelings for a bit. Commiserate about how that must have made them feel. You will get more out of them and they are more likely to continue elaborating on the issue. Sentences like, “That must have been so hard” or “That must have made you so angry” will help continue the conversation

 When your child is done venting ask them, “What do you think you’ll do about it?” Hear what they have to say. If you have advice at this point, soften it with something like, “there might be another option. You can…” This will help your child feel like you are working with them and not lecturing them.

I have discussed this with my tween daughter and we have agreed that she will specifically ask for my advice – when she wants it. This has helped our relationship, as I am sure I was driving her crazy in our early years. The curse of having a child therapist as a mom.

How you word things can be the small change that makes a big difference.

Okay – you are not going to be wowed by this next part. But trust me – simply changing how you ask questions can make or break your conversation. This is a tried-and-true theory based on thousands of painful therapy sessions in my early years.

Do not ask direct questions – instead say something like, “I wonder…” In front of your sentence. For instance: Kids won’t talk about their feelings if they believe it will worry you, or create discomfort for you.

Solution: Be calm and confident in their ability to handle difficult situations. Say, “I’m confident that you will be able to get through this”. If needed you can ask what they would do if they get “in over their head”. Say, “If you get stuck you can come to me or go to ____ for help.”

Your son tells you he is angry at his best friend and he is never going to talk to him again. Instead of saying:

“What did he do to you?”

You state:

“Wow, you seem so angry. I wonder what he did to you?”

Sounds pretty much the same – I know. But, trust me – it makes a difference. Most kids (not all) are more likely to answer the second question. Especially if you stay silent after making the comment.

Okay – here is some more of my verbal judo that will seem less than impressive.

 Change sentences like:

“What is good about it?” or “What is bad about it?”

to

 “What is the best part about it?” or “What is the worst part about it?”

For some reason – the first sentence can sound accusatory or judgmental, while the second is acknowledging the feeling and asking for them to elaborate. I know – what’s the difference – but there is one. Trust me.

I also alter questions like, “What do you like about it” to “What’s the best part about it” or conversely “What do you not like about it” to “What is the worst part about it?” Again, the second sentences sound better to kids and they are more likely to answer them.

Every child is different. Every conversation is different. If you are looking to improve your conversation with your child or the children you work with – try these simple, but effective tweaks in your conversation.

Do you have some verbal judo that works for your kids or the kids you work with? Share them in the comments. This old dog would love to learn some new tricks!