BITING, HITTING AND OTHER AGGRESSIVE TODDLER BEHAVIORS: HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?

As a parent, it can be embarrassing for you if your toddler is engaging in aggressive behavior, such as biting, hitting and throwing things at other kids.  Although it is VERY NORMAL among the toddler set, when it starts to happen regularly, it is important to step in and help them change their behavior.   If we don’t address this behavior before two, it can carry on to preschool and elementary school years. Here are some tips to help you navigate this tricky terrain:

1.    Understand the underlying reasons why your child is choosing to act in this manner.  

Initially before 2 years old, children find it hard to communicate their needs to their parents, caregivers and other children so they often resort to getting physical. Here are some potential causes of aggressive behavior:

a.     Lack of routine

b.     Exhaustion

c.     Lack of adult supervision

d.     Extreme anger or frustration or excitement

e.     Being in a stressful or new situation

f.      Self-defense

g.     Inadequate speech development.

2.    Watch your child for cues to see if any of the situations above bring about aggressive behavior.

a.     Who does my child hit or bite?
b.     Is it one friend in particular?
c.     Does it happen only at home or only outside the home?
d.     Did it happen while the parent was around or absent?
e.     What is the trigger? Anger, frustration/excitement? Are their toys involved? Is it frustration about sharing? Or more overstimulation?

3.    Step in and Stop Immediately

a.     Remove the child from the situation in a calm manner so you don’t give too much attention that leads to negative reinforcement.

b.     Use a simple yet firm statement: “We don’t bite, We don’t hit”

c.     After removing from the situation, allow your child to calm themselves.     Change the tone and volume of our voice as this will reinforce the calming.  If they are inconsolable say, “I need you to calm down, I am going to check on X, and when I am done I will help you calm down."

d.     Check in with the hitting/biting victim and give them attention so that the biter realizes that the attention is going to the victim.

e.    Don't try to get your child to apologize--they are too young for that to be meaningful. Instead, apologize on their behalf and say something like, "I'm so sorry that your body got hurt. It is never okay to bite or hit someone."  How you say this matters--it is not meant to shame your child, it is meant to state facts."

4.  Give them the words

a.     Help your child recognize their feelings by helping them say it: “I see that you are angry, but we don’t hit."  

b.     Tell them you also have those feelings, “Sometimes I get frustrated too, and we can say, ‘I am frustrated!’"

c.     Give them some breathing exercises to do and other options for getting out their big feelings--move their bodies, etc.

5.  Follow through on natural consequences

a.     If you give a consequence, “If you bite Charlie again, we are going to have to leave the park,” follow through with it if the aggressive behavior happens again.  

b.  If you are not going to be ready to leave the park if the biting reoccurs, then don't give that as a consequence. Instead, tell your child she will need to go with you to sit on a bench if it happens again or something that you can easily follow through on. 

6.  Teach them aggression is wrong

a.     Pick a calm moment to talk to your child about their aggressive behavior.

b.     Keep the explanation age appropriate: 18-24 months:  "We don't hit people. It hurts their bodies. It is okay to feel upset, but we do not hit.”  Repeat and repeat and offer other options to deal with big feelings--you can even model it when you get upset:  1. I feel upset! 2. I am going to take 5 deep breaths! 3. I still feel upset so now I'm going to run up and down the block. 4. Ahhhh I feel better now. 

c.  Toddlers live in the moment and don't have the wherewithal to always know the correct way to respond to feelings that feel HUGE. So this is a teachable moment, not a time for punishment. 

6.  If This is a Pattern, Pay Attention & Try to Step in Before it Happens. 

a.     Recognize your child’s limitations and triggers.  Don’t push your child when they are hungry, exhausted or over-stimulated. Take a break from the activity you thought about doing.  Oftentimes this behavior happens with certain people so pay close attention when those friends are around.

b.  When they have a good day and are able to handle feelings without hitting, let them know you noticed it: "I saw that child take your toy at the park and you decided to wait your turn today! There was no hitting! How did that feel?"

7.  Hitting or Biting Back Doesn't Work (just in case you thought it might :))

What if your child is the victim of aggressive behavior?

Lavish attention on victims, not only to console them, but also to assure them that they didn’t do anything wrong — and to send a message.  When the biter sees that the bitee is getting all the attention, hopefully this will help to extinguish the biting behavior. 

This is also a good time to talk about feelings and reactions with the victim and witnesses — a frank discussion of what can be done instead of biting helps to cut the probability that the victim will retaliate. Also, check in with the parents of the biter to make sure the situation is being addressed appropriately.

How to Treat a Bite:

·      Wash the bite mark with soap and water or a medical disinfectant. Apply a cold compress to take away the sting and help stop the bleeding.

·      If the bite breaks the skin, call your pediatrician right away. Human bites can cause infection. Your doctor will want to ensure that your child is up to date on tetanus immunizations. S/he may also prescribe a course of oral antibiotics.

·      If a bite becomes swollen or very red, or your child develops a fever, call your pediatrician immediately.