SHAME & TODDLERS
Shame has been at the forefront of emotional well-being these days, and it is something that, as parents, we strive not to subject our kids to. The problem with shame is that it suggests to kids that there is something wrong with who they are at their core and who they are as a person. That is problematic because it makes kids feel like something is wrong with them.
What are ways that we might shame our toddlers?
· To cajole/encourage them to do something (to wear a certain thing, etc.)
· To stop certain behaviors that we don't like
· To get them to eat/stop throwing or wasting food
· To get them to use the potty, such as saying things like, "Big kids don't pee in their pants. They use the potty."
· Talking about them as if they aren't there
· More subtle – when they say "Do it myself!" and we don't let them….we essentially say, "You can't do it the right way."
How do you think toddlers process this?
· A toddler's sense of self is not fully developed. Just as their brains and bodies are still developing, so is their internal sense of identity. Parental responses to their behavior play a BIG role in forming their sense of self.
· Just when they are at the stage of developing their independence/confidence ("I do it myself"), we unwittingly sabotage this by trying to control everything. Our intentions are good, but the result for the toddler is a resounding message—you are not smart enough or strong enough, and you will mess up.
· Shame never feels good at any age. But at this stage, it can be particularly dangerous as it blocks empathy.
Follow me – Toddlers are learning that sometimes they feel and do "good" things, and sometimes they think and do "bad" things. This behavior is natural (for any age!).
Where do they get the feedback to decipher what is "good" and "bad?" Mainly from the reactions they get from others around them and their environment.
They need our help learning to accept that good and bad reside in everyone.
Just because you do a "bad" thing doesn't make you a bad person.
Accepting the bad is how we learn and move on.
· Shame works against empathy because:
It inhibits their ability to truly and fully express their emotions
It inhibits their desire to explore because it makes them afraid of making mistakes
So what is the alternative to shame?
Acceptance! Let them know it's ok to make mistakes. Tell them you make mistakes too. When you make a mistake, point it out to them. Celebrate it!
You can validate the underlying emotion that led to the behavior you don't like and also tell them that their behavior is not an acceptable response. Then, tell them what is acceptable. Focus on their choices instead of who they are as a person. Phrases like "maybe next time you will make a different choice" are helpful here.