KIDS & LYING
Although it can be a little upsetting to witness our kids tell lies (and often stand by them for quite some time!), lying is a normal part of growing up. As parents, we aim to help our children get to a place where they realize that honesty is the best policy. What makes this topic more intriguing is that telling white lies is acceptable for adults. For example, have you ever gotten a present you hated but said you loved it? Have you ever snuck your 6 yr old kid into Disneyland by putting them into a stroller, tucking their legs under themselves, and covering them with a blanket? Ummmm, I may have said too much- haha. Read on for more info on how to approach this somewhat nuanced topic!
There are several reasons why children lie:
Imagination
Young children with active imaginations are actually developing their cognitive abilities. But, imaginative or pretend play requires some suspending of the truth. Children may lie because they engage in imaginative play when they say or do something untrue. Imaginative play helps children learn about the world and themselves and develop important social skills.
Aspirational
Have you ever hoped you could change something just by wishing it so? Well, children don't fully understand the concept of reality. Until about age seven or eight, children often see a blurry line between reality and fantasy and don't know that reality is permanently fixed. As a result, they think wishful thinking works. They believe in superheroes, unicorns, and their ability to change the facts. So when they say they didn't do it, your child means that they wish they didn't do it and are trying to speak it into existence to make it true.
Avoidance
So... you thought it would be a good idea to try all your mom's lipstick colors on the wall of her dressing room. Then, when she saw it and got upset, you suddenly realized it was a terrible idea and quickly regretted it. So when she asks who did it, you say it wasn't you. Wouldn't that be nice if it was true? You could try to blame it on your little sister and get away with it. That is the gist of this reasoning for your child lying; to avoid getting in trouble. Children sometimes lie to avoid and deflect the blame because they don't like the idea of you being upset with them.
Mixed Messages
Children are just learning social norms, which are incredibly complicated. The world (including parents) often models a slight bending of the truth (i.e., "This is a great gift; one can never have too many socks!"). Children often get shushed for being too honest (i.e., "My mom said she hates your lasagna."). And television shows and movies very often depict the main characters plotting and scheming and not having many consequences. A laugh track usually makes dishonest behavior seem funny rather than inappropriate.
Why lying is developmentally kind of positive:
Lying requires sophisticated thinking. Kids not only have to imagine something that is not true, but they also have to anticipate how someone else will respond to their tale, remember the story they create to maintain it, and control the impulse to blurt out the truth. The older kids are, the better they become at lying. Victoria Talwar and Kang Lee describe three stages in children's lying:
Stage 1. Children begin to lie around age two or three. These first lies often focus on just denying misbehavior. They may involve wishful thinking more than deliberate efforts to deceive. From the perspective of young children, if they say they didn't do it, their parents won't be mad, and it will magically erase their misbehavior!
Stage 2. Around age four, children begin to be able to imagine how someone else might think. Their lies become more believable because they consider what the listener does or doesn't know. They know the difference between truth and lies and that lying is wrong, but they also want to please adults, so they lie to cover up misbehavior.
Stage 3. Around the age of seven or eight, children not only are capable of deliberately deceiving someone, but they also can manage to stick to a false story and to look and sound sincere while doing so. Kids this age tend to lie because they don't want to get in trouble and because they don't want to think of themselves as "bad."
Parenting Tips: What can you do about children lying?
Just because lying is complex, it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't address it. How you, and the world, respond to their truth-bending is how children will learn about honesty.
Although most children will experiment with lying, as parents, we must teach them the importance of honesty. We generally want to avoid backing our kids into a corner with "Did you…?" accusations. Angrily demanding a confession encourages kids to lie, and the more they lie to us, the easier it becomes for them to lie again. Research offers some practical strategies for encouraging children to tell the truth:
1. Define honesty & ask for a promise of truthfulness.
Spend time discussing honesty and what it means to help influence child behavior. Point out examples in books, real life, and in their behavior. Begin to differentiate between fantasy and reality, which doesn't mean minimizing fantasy, but rather helping your children to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Around the age of four or five, children are cognitively able to think things through. You don't have to reveal the real tooth fairy, but when you see a play together, or your child spends the afternoon pretending to be a dog, you can use it as an opportunity to talk about what's real, what's not real, and how to tell the difference.
Life is full of nuances your child may not yet understand. Explain lies. Talk about the times you think it's okay to lie (if at all), such as when you receive a gift you don't like or to make someone feel better. Suppose you lie in front of your children (try hard not to), address the lie, and explain your rationale. This includes lying about your child's age to get a discounted ticket and telling your neighbors you're busy for the block party when you stay home and watch a movie. Know that your rationale will serve as a lesson for your children. If you don't want your children to lie for those reasons, then you shouldn't either.
If your child made a mistake but told the truth, reward your child's truthfulness. Getting kids to promise they will tell the truth before we ask what happened increases the chance that they will be honest.
Getting that promise makes it clear what you want from your child and puts the value of honesty right at the front of your child's mind.
2. Find out why.
Punishing a child for lying without understanding why they did it is ineffective. Depending on your child's age, blurred lines of reality, wishful thinking, experimenting with boundaries, or all of the above can be why kids lie.
Sending children to their room won't help them understand what went wrong or how to correct their behavior.
However, there are effective ways to discipline and teach your children if they lie. Often natural consequences (i.e., a child tells a friend a lie, the friend is mad and doesn't want to play) and maybe a small discussion are the best and only needed punishment.
3. Explain that honesty will please you and won't lead to punishment.
Encouraging your child to tell the truth, is important, but what should you do if you know they are lying?
First, don't label your child a liar. That won't help your child embrace truth-telling.
Instead, gently insist on what you know happened, explain that you expect honesty, and give your child a path forward by finding a way for them to make amends for the misbehavior.
4. Use inspiring stories.
In one intriguing study, Talwar and her colleagues had an experimenter read children a story about George Washington telling the truth about chopping down a cherry tree and his father reacting with delight to his honesty. Hearing this story made it much less likely that kids would lie about peeking.
On the other hand, hearing a story about the boy who cried wolf was not helpful in reducing lying.
The positive lesson of George Washington may be more compelling or inspiring to kids than the negative example of the boy who cried wolf.
5. Model honesty.
Parents often lie to children to get them to cooperate, to avoid upsetting them, or just because it seems easier than giving a truthful but complicated answer. Unfortunately, hearing adults lie may give kids the impression that lying is okay.
A study from the University of California, San Diego, found that elementary school children who heard a lie from an adult about the presence of candy in another room were more likely to lie to cover up their misbehavior.
If we want our children to be honest, we must be good examples of honesty.
Relax and know it's probably no big deal in the long run. In the end, unless children continue to lie repetitively and about significant things past age 12, know that it probably won't become a severe child behavior problem. Continue teaching, modeling, and rewarding honest behavior, and they'll catch on. Of course, a few dogs might eat some homework, but children will eventually learn the difference between truth and lies and understand the complicated social rules around them.
Adapted from Bright Horizons & pbs.org