PARENT GUILT...LET’S NOT SHALL WE?
We know from our groups that GUILT is the number one affliction of parents everywhere. Am I doing enough for my kids? Am I doing too much? Not only is it pervasive, but often we can swing wildly from one extreme to another in our thinking. For example, we might be consumed with self-doubt after we enforce an adverse consequence on our child... hmmm, maybe I was too hard on them. And the next day, we might worry that we are not being strict enough with them. A wise friend confided in me that she felt that the parents who feel this confusion are some of the best parents because they are somewhere in the middle of things and continually evaluating and thinking about their parenting. I'll go with that for now.
Well, there certainly are enough things to feel guilty about. I won't go into that here. If you are a parent, you already know the things that cause you to feel that way. Instead, we will look at some things you do NOT need to feel guilty about. Read on for the good news:
Feeling Bored When You Are With Your Kids
If your child is a teenager or adult or even in elementary school, hopefully, you are finding some exciting things to do together for both of you. But if not, remember that one of the ways we can show our children that they matter is to be interested in what they are interested in. Now that doesn't mean that you need to become fluent in Minecraft or always be ahead on the newest trends, but you can at least let them show you something cool they learned to do there or ask a couple of questions about what they are building. After that, it's okay to zone out a little while they go on and on about what their friends did over spring break, with some well-placed, "Oh, that sounds like fun." But this one rings true to the pre-verbal stage. Spending a whole hour hanging with your 10-month-old while they are learning to crawl and staying engaged the entire time is a lot to ask.
Getting Annoyed With Your Kids
Rest assured, I don't care how cute or charming your kids are; they will be annoying sometimes. And from a biological imperative standpoint, they have been crafted to make the sounds, usually whines, that are the most possibly annoying sound they could ever make. Walk away. Tell them you need a moment, for your sake and theirs.
Working
There is no objective or anecdotal evidence that stay-at-home parents are better than working parents. I have asked all the parents in my group and, hands down, the people raised by working parents who do not feel that they were short-shrift. Many of them found that their working parent what inspirational to them.
Feeling Stuck
Particularly for those of us parents who wanted kids so badly and had to go through a lot to get them, it can be a crushingly guilty feeling to feel resentful of our kids that they are in the way of (our career, our freedom, our exercise, Coachella, the list goes). It's like what we tell our kids: It's okay to have to feelings. We love them more than anything, AND we wish we could do what we want without having to take them into account.
Not Entertaining Your Kids
Big kids today! I don't know if it's the advent of tablets or what, but it feels like kids complain of being bored when they are left to their own devices (not electronic devices--human devices...remember those?!) for even 5 minutes. It's much easier as a parent to give them an iPad or turn on the TV because they are somewhat sedated and engaged with these tools. Is there a place for this? YES! This one is a two-fer--don't feel guilty if you need them to tune in and tune out sometimes. Giving our kids time and practice at FINDING SOMETHING TO DO is essential. This is where resilience is born; This is how kids find their passions. This was when I learned to bead, love to read, and discovered that I loved baking. This is the time that people become comfortable just being with themselves. Try to find chunks of time on the weekends and some weekday evenings when your kids have to find something to do themselves.
Doing a Little Light Yelling
We are human. We get mad. We are flawed. We act out our feelings instead of using our words. And sometimes we do this to our children. Of course, as a parent, you need to do the work to try to manage your anger so you aren't yelling at your kids all the time. But don't beat yourself up if it just gets too much and you react. It's important to repair by calming down, acknowledging that you yelled, and that there are other things you could have done instead. Tell your child if you were tired/hangry/upset about something else. Apologize. Tell them you are going to be okay. And if it wasn't your kids that got you upset, let them know that as well because kids tend to think everything is about them.
How you manage repair is dependent upon the age of your child. Keep it very simple if your child is on the younger side. There is only so much they can do that would cause you to tell. However, if your child is a tween/teen, they know how to get your goat more and can do and say more upsetting things. It's unrealistic for someone to grow up in a household where no one has ever yelled. How will they react when they go out in the world, and a boss yells at them? Prep them to say, "I can see that you are upset, but please stop yelling at me," and then to move away and say, "I'd like to talk with you about this when you are not yelling." These are the conversations that can happen when things have calmed down.
Getting Help
There is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes we think should be able to do it all. But at what cost? What is the point of killing yourself to pick your kids up from school every day if someone in your neighborhood can do it a couple of days a week? You can sneak in some yoga or read a little during that time. Get the help!