FOSTERING INDEPENDENCE IN OUR TODDLERS
As we think about our kids starting preschool, the idea of them being able to cope without having us around to "hold their hand" comes to the forefront of our minds. Of course, most preschools have low teacher-to-child ratios so that children feel supported and can get help when needed, but 1:7 is quite a jump from 1:1, as it is in some families.
This coping includes self-care (pulling pants up and down, putting on shoes, washing hands, etc.), problem-solving (completing a puzzle or an art project), and social-emotional (sorting out a conflict with a friend, experiencing big feelings, etc.).
Let's start with the assumption that it is important to respect where they are developmentally in terms of fear/anxiety and curiosity. It could be counter-productive to force your child into an uncomfortable situation. Think back to when we learned about separation anxiety—the idea that if we make them feel secure and respected in their desire to be with us, we are helping to build their confidence that they have a strong foundation from which to go out and explore when they are ready. The same concept applies here. Also, it's worth noting that you may have some ideas of activities that interest them at this point. They will be far more apt to tackle something solo if it's something they enjoy.
We want our children to be confident in their abilities to deal with things. Much of this confidence comes from taking risks (or, at this point, engaging in behavior that the toddler perceives to be risky), so we may take a step back so that they can take a step forward and conquer. For example, the next time you are at the farmers market, let your toddler engage with the friendly potato guy to do a transaction. It's simple to you, but for your child, there is a lot of new stuff involved in shopping for and paying for potatoes, and you can cheerfully observe, "You bought the potatoes today! You held the money and didn't lose it; you looked the potato guy in the eye and got your change, and gave a smile. How did that make you feel? Were you a bit nervous at first? Yes, I get it! And guess what—you did it."
Here are a few other tips for encouraging our toddlers to see themselves as self-sufficient:
Be a Safety Zone
Some children try new stuff eagerly, while others hold back because they're shy or want to attempt something when they're 100 percent positive they can do it right. So change your expectations to accommodate your timid child's uncertainty. For example, rather than getting annoyed that your kid is clinging to you in gymnastics class, just let her sit on your lap until she feels comfortable -- even if it takes a few sessions. Then, if you don't push, you'll give them the space to get used to doing something new. And when the time is right, she'll have the confidence to give it a whirl.
Nurture a Conscience
Toddlers are beginning to learn the difference between right and wrong and to understand how others can get hurt. However, it takes bravery to stand up for what you know is right when everyone around you isn't taking the high road. You can help by praising your child if she defends a child who is being teased ("That was really kind of you") or she returns a toy to its rightful owner ("You should be proud that you did the right thing").
Foster Bravery at Bedtime
Okay, this one may sound a bit wacky, but the motivational speaker and performance coach Jim Fannin - who has conducted seminars for an estimated half million parents to boost their children's confidence says that this trick works with children two and older.
First, tiptoe into their room after you have tucked your child into bed and they are almost ready to drift off to sleep. Then, speaking in a low voice, slowly say, "I ... believe ... in ... you." The following day, greet him with an upbeat message such as, "Good morning, Champ!" Repeat this three or four times a week.”
Studies have shown that the mind is most receptive to positive suggestions just before going to sleep," says Fannin, who has seen great results from using this sort of direct messaging technique with children as well as champion athletes.
Hold On to the Lovey
It's natural to want your child to feel secure enough to leave home without his cuddly blanket or favorite stuffed animal-and, of course, you don't want them to take it somewhere and lose it. However, letting them carry their buddy around for as long as he needs to is fine. If your child uses a lovey as a sleep association, I recommend keeping it only for sleep times.
However, they may have another stuffed animal that is for on-the-go. These objects give kids a feeling of power over their fear--same goes for wearing costumes or capes and even talking to an imaginary friend.
Play It Out
Hide-and-seek is a perfect game to help young kids learn to deal with separation and the unknown. It takes them a step beyond what feels comfortable -- you're there, you disappear, then you're back! So start in the house before you tackle the great outdoors.
Tune In
Instead of trying to talk your child into attempting a new sport or getting on a bike, get curious about what their hang-ups are. Listen without judging or trying to change their mind. Try saying, "I see how scared you are. What do you think could happen?" By validating their feelings, you're helping them develop emotional awareness so they can make confident decisions. This paves the way to a more independent, responsible, adventurous life.