DIVORCE OR SEPARATED: SUPPORTING KIDS NAVIGATING BETWEEN TWO HOUSEHOLDS

How our kids fare in a divorce is stressful, and while so much of it is warranted, sometimes we project worry onto situations that could actually benefit them. Stressful thoughts and emotions tend to blur vision—especially regarding our kids. Take the experience of having to manage different rules across two households as an example. It's challenging losing control over our children for days each week and worrying that the work we are doing to teach and discipline them might get undone under our ex's influence, especially if their rules do not align with ours. 

Inconsistency can be hard on kids, but it doesn't have to be traumatic.

Of course, if abuse factors in or your ex is a raging lunatic or unfit to parent, that's another story altogether. But if we're dealing with two relatively stable people who have different parenting styles and rules around; technology, homework, food, age-appropriate content, and bedtime (to name a few), there is an opportunity here for you to practice surrendering to what you can't control and also for your school age kids to begin practicing three fundamental life skills: adjustment, self-advocacy, and self-reflection. 

What happens, though, when our children use one set of rules against another—one household against another—one parent against another—for their own personal gain? "Dad lets me watch my iPad at dinner!" or "Mom says I can watch YouTube before I get my homework done!" And—what do we do when they become more interested in their social life/peer group and begin leveraging their presence, attitude, and compliance against whoever's rules give them more access to what they want? This doesn't make them bad. It makes them developmentally appropriate teenagers—no matter how difficult.

I feel for you parents who are dealing with this, and here's what I have to say about BOTH issues:

ISSUE #1:

HOW TO DEAL WITH TWO HOMES & DIFFERENT SETS OF RULES

Start off by explaining to your children that mom and dad have different rules because you are different people. And that's ok. It would be ideal, yes—of course--if divorced co-parents always had shared values and implemented the same rules. But it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, often, it doesn't. But that doesn't have to be problematic in and of itself. Safety issues aside, our children are constantly tasked to adjust to many different environments and rules throughout childhood and adolescence. Even when underlying values remain the same, how those values get played out through rules may look very different at school than at other places such as camp. We see this example with different sets of grandparents. When I was a child, I got to eat chocolate all day long with one grandmother, who let me walk around the streets of South Philly alone at the age of 12 without batting a lash. Compared to my other grandmother, who couldn't let me out of her sight for a minute without having a panic attack, she also hated junk food. I adjusted to each environment because I had to. I was loved in both places, just differently. And when I went home upset that I couldn't eat Yodels all day, my mom listened, and we had a conversation about it. It's no different in the case of two households, not when you separate out what's leftover emotional baggage from divorce vs. what our children are trying to figure out. This is what's good about it.

These differences open conversation about the what's and why's of how your child thinks and feels. That's IMPORTANT INFORMATION, and it allows you to meet them where they're at with compassion and inquisitiveness. It will enable them to advocate for themselves and use you as a mirror to start learning how to self-reflect. Let's make it about their learning by listening with empathy and respect vs. our need for control OR our unresolved feelings about exes (or whatever other valid but misplaced feelings we may have). We then get to treat them and ourselves separately, and as a result, we each get the care and attention we deserve.

ISSUE #2:

DEALING WITH OLDER CHILDREN IN DIVORCE

Now, on to the second issue, which is undoubtedly more challenging. Older children are hardwired to want to breach every boundary. They're hardwired for narcissism, too. A healthy amount of it helps us succeed in the world—VERY DIFFERENT from someone with an NPD diagnosis or unhealthy amounts of narcissistic tendencies. That's another conversation. The point I'm making is that their job is to act out, to some degree, to feel their way through all the dark tunnels of adolescence without the proper tools yet to navigate them on their own. It's our job as parents to shine the light so they can see why particular walls are up and there to protect them. Your child may not get it, and you must be consistent and run the risk of being very unpopular at times. But that's part of the gig. Don't be scared to call their bluff, either. Calmly so. If they say they want to stay longer at Dad's because he has better rules, tell them, "Ok. Let's try it. I love you a lot. That never changes, no matter what. But if your schoolwork suffers OR you change your mind, just let me know, and we'll return things to what they were before." Of course, none of this can be possible unless you have proper communication with your ex and they're willing to entertain it. But nine times out of ten, once you respectfully hear them and comply, they won't follow through because just knowing they can create change will deflate whatever grandiose plan they had to begin with.

My advice is to be flexible and steadfast with what YOU know is best for them. It's a tricky balance to strike. But again, if you take a beat and ask yourself what you're reacting to…and get super clear about what that is…you can again begin parsing out your own triggers vs. what your child is actually communicating to you. Most of the time, the subtext of what they are trying to say is, "I don't want rules; I want more freedom—and to be heard and seen—BECAUSE I want to be liked and to feel included." 

 REMEMBER THESE 3 WORDS

Adolescence is hard. Remember that. Remind your children that they are always loved. Keep your boundaries firm, but be flexible where you can, and always LISTEN, RESPOND, and ATTEND to what they're trying to say, even if it isn't always pretty.