LISTENING TO OUR KIDS
The longer I'm a parent, the more I realize that LISTENING to my kids is one of the most important things I can do. Like, really listen.
Of course, each child is a snowflake, and you will have to try different techniques to see what works for you and your family.
But here are some ideas:
Why is it important to listen to and validate feelings?
· A steady denial of feelings pisses people off (yes, kids too)
· We want our kids to learn to trust their feelings and be okay with operating with a large range of emotions
Here’s An Example:
Child: Mommy, I'm hot.
Mom: No, you're not. It's freezing out!
Child: No, I'm hot.
Mom: It's cold; keep your sweater on.
Child: But I'm HOT.
Can you see what happens here? Exchanges turn into arguments. Mom is telling their child not to trust their own perceptions.
Okay, let's practice… take a look at some other examples of a parent denying the child's feelings.
1. Child: I don't like the new baby.
Parent: That's not true; it's your baby brother! You love him!
2. Child: I'm hungry!
Parent: No, you're not! You just ate a ton!
3. Child: I don't want to go to school. I hate school!
Parent: You love school. Whenever I come to pick you up, you want to stay. You do so much fun stuff there!
This denial approach usually leads to tantrum behavior. It's frustrating when people try to talk you out of your feelings!
7 different ways that people "listen."
Pretend for a minute that you are at work and have a deadline to finish a project today. But a series of emergencies prevent you from getting it done. You don't even have time to eat lunch. Your boss comes over at the end of the day to ask for the work product, and you tell her that because of emergencies, you did not finish it. She interrupts and yells at you in front of everyone: "I'm not interested in your excuses! What the hell am I paying you for? To sit around and chat all day?!"
You get home and tell your significant other about it. Let's look at different ways that people "listen" and talk about how each approach is generally helpful.
After each one, rate how you would feel on a scale of 1 (happy) to 10 (furious).
1. Denying the feeling: Oh, come on, it's not that big of a deal…your boss was probably having a bad day. Shake it off. Smile. You will feel better if you smile.
2. Advice: You know what you need to do? Go straight to your boss's office in the morning, apologize, and get the work done immediately. You can't get caught up in emergencies. You need to learn to prioritize if you want to keep a job.
3. Questions: What kind of emergencies exactly? Didn't you realize your boss would be angry if you didn't finish the project?
4. Defending the Other Person: You know, your boss has a boss, so I can understand why she would be so upset—now she cannot deliver for her boss! You're lucky you didn't get fired.
5. Pity: Oh, you poor thing! I feel so sorry for you.
6. Head Shrinking: I bet you are upset because your boss reminds you of your mother. You were never able to please her. Right?
7. Empathy: Wow, that sucks! To have someone yell at you in front of all those other people when you were trying to do your best to do your job…. must have been hard to take.
So what felt the best?
What felt the worst?
Did anything jump out at you about how you are listened to by loved ones?
Did these styles remind you of yourself and how you "listen" to people you love?
For most people, the Empathetic response feels best.
Having someone listen, acknowledge the feelings/inner pain, and give you a chance to talk more about these things allow you to feel less upset and more able to cope with feeling; and, interestingly, start to solve the issue yourself.
"Hmmm…my boss is usually pretty cool; she must be under a lot of pressure…but I can't allow her to talk to me like that. I will finish the project first thing in the morning, but when I bring it to her office, I will let you know it was very upsetting to me to be talked to like that."
The challenge is that most of us grew up having our feelings denied/advised/questioned, so we need to learn the language of empathy.
Here are some tips for being a good listener and helping children (and spouses LOL) to deal with their feelings:
Listen with full attention (put down the phone, get down to their level, and be quiet and listen. Say: Tell me.
Acknowledge the feelings with a word: "Oh," "Hmmm," "Okay."
Give their feelings a name: "It seems like you feel frustrated that you can't watch TV right now." (this can be tough because we are not inside their head, but children need to learn to name their feelings and also it's comforting to have a parent let the child know that each feeling exists and we all experience them).
Give them their wishes in a fantasy: "I wish we could stay in bed all day and watch every single episode of Paw Patrol ever made!"
Have an attitude of compassion!
Now, most of your kids are not old enough yet to be tackling these issues/have all the words to express themselves. But learning this new approach takes practice, so it's a good time to start working on it. Homework – try this method this week with your child or a grown-up!