TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX – AN AGE BY AGE GUIDE 0 -10 YRS
Is there anything more frightening than the thought of talking to your kids about sex?? Take a moment to reflect upon where you got your info? My guess is that, unless your mom was Barbara Streisand from Meet The Fockers, you didn’t talk much about this with your parents. And if you did, it was probably one big, “The Talk.” Most of us were given books to read on our own, picked up some stuff from health classes at school and generally got most of our (mis?)information from our friends and older siblings/cousins. The good news is that it can be kind of fun and there are sure to be some hilarious moments so don’t stress out—if you are taking the time to read things like this then you are going to a much better job than your parents did, I’m guessing!
For those of you looking for a quick read, here are our Top Tips:
Start early
Revisit often…take advantage of organic opportunities when your child asks you about something
Use the ”drip” method but generally speaking, better to say a little too much than not enough
Don’t lie—if you are stumped for what to say just let your child know you want to answer the question for them you just need more time to think about the answer
Use a matter of fact tone and the proper words for things
Teach your kids that they are the boss of their body (and same for other people and their bodies)
Let them know they can talk to you about anything they have questions or concerns about and they will not get in trouble for anything they share with you
As with most touchy topics, we suggest starting early and talking about the topic in age appropriate ways time and time again as it comes up. By starting early and speaking in a matter of fact tone, you take some of the taboo and embarrassment out of it for both you and your kids. Sex is just one of those things that hopefully will become the private domain of each individual (you AND your kids should have privacy around your personal sex life), but it’s wonderful to have a dynamic with your kids where they can come to you for information and support. But by starting early, you are establishing a foundation to talk about it before they know it’s embarrassing. Just a quick anecdote here: I was at the library with my son when he was 7 and I said, “Oh here is another book about how babies are made and how our bodies work!” And he said, “No way am I reading that…[and I expected him to stop there, and he followed that with]…unless you read it with me.” [Happy happy, Joy, joy! Although now he is going to be so mad at me when he reads this article as a teen.] Don’t worry if you feel nervous or if you don’t know what to say—you don’t need to have all the answers, just be honest and you can always say you don’t know or you’d like to look into it so you can have a bit more time to think about what you’d like to say.
I want to address up top here so that I don’t have to keep bringing it up below that we are in a different time here with regards to gender identity and how that relates to sexuality. Most adolescents now are fiercely aware that they and their peers have the right to question society’s norms around these things and to embrace their identity even if it doesn’t align with what society says. So, my advice, tread lightly and when you can, try to remember that babies don’t always come from a man and a woman who fall in love and have intercourse. You can use terms like “usually” this happens and then you can follow up with of course, sometimes two women fall in love and decide to have a baby together. Where you go from there depends upon your sense of if your child is curious and ready to hear more. If you aren’t ready or aren’t sure what to say, you can always say, “That is all I am ready to talk about at this point. Let’s pick this up at a later date. I want you to have all the information you are ready for.”
YEARS 0 - 2
I’m going to keep this one short because there’s not a ton of talking going on here—at least not on the part of your baby/toddler. But it’s a great time for you to start normalizing talking about sex organs. When you do talk about body parts, try to use the proper names for genitals. This practice makes it easier in the future for your child to let you know if something down there is uncomfortable. It’s like saying, “My elbow itches.” It’s also good practice in case another adult is talking to them in an appropriate manner because these types of people tend to use “cutesie” nicknames and you’re going to want to know if that is going on.
It’s important to start early to explain to kids that no one except Mommy and Daddy (and a nanny or grandparent, or a doctor if Mommy or Daddy are there as well) should be touching their privates. And always let them know that they can talk to you about this and they will never get in trouble for telling you. Remind them that your job is to love them and to keep them safe so they can tell you anything and you won’t be upset with them.
Your relationship with your baby at this point is how they start to develop their sense of physical intimacy. They are noticing that it feels good to be held, snuggled…all the things. Some babies/early toddlers are definitely more into snuggling than others, but hey, same with adults. Just follow their lead and do what feels right to you and what seems ok with them. It’s never too early to ingrain the concept of consent into our kids and that they are in charge of their bodies.
YEARS 3 - 5
Lots of exploration of the genitals going on here. Just think, for many kids this is the first chance they have had to have unfettered access without a diaper or something getting in the way. If you are starting from the premise that your want your child to grow into an adult who enjoys sex without guilt, try not to shame them for checking out their own goods. Here is the party line I suggest putting into play right now: It is okay to touch your own private parts. However, it is something you can do in private, in your own room, in the tub, etc. and please make sure your hands are clean. Sometimes when they are watching TV with others around they may forget this rule, so just gently remind them.
They may also start to get curious about other people’s privates. At this point, you want to draw very clear boundaries about the rule that we don’t touch other peoples’ privates. Sometimes kids this age mess up or experiment and do touch another child’s private area. I would not be very punitive here. I would just let them know again and again that the rule is we don’t touch other people’s privates. For us, something like this happening can be very upsetting because of all the social construct around it. For the kid, at this age, it’s usually pretty harmless…especially if it only happens the one time. If it is a pattern, you may need to do some work there to unpack what is going on.
Consent and permission are important ideas to bring up right around now. Not in terms of private parts—it is too early for that—but in terms of touching bodies at all. We want to send kids the message that they are the boss of their bodies and it is up to them who is allowed to hug them, kiss them, etc. The days of having to sit on Uncle Harvey’s lap just because he is family are gone. Ask your kids, “Would you like to give so and so a kiss, or would you prefer to wave?” And then honor their request. Practice having them hold out their hand and say, “Stop! It’s my body!” and then unfortunately you may have to stop tickling them. But what a powerful message for a kid to learn!
Lastly, kids this age start to wonder where babies come from and what is the deal with women getting pregnant. The goal is to try to explain it in a not scary way and to give them just enough info to satisfy their curiosity. Things are a bit more complicated these days as we try to become more reflective of what is really going on in the world…same sex couples, surrogates, IVF…so you need to decide sort of how inclusive you want to be with all things…sometimes it’s enough to just go with the most traditional approach then add in as you go along, but you may feel differently about that. Don’t worry here about going overboard—it’s generally better to give too much information than too little. Remember, absent your explanation kids can come up with some pretty terrifying scenarios on their own. But you can always say that more details will be shared later.
Books we like for this age:
No Trespassing—This is MY Body! and Super Duper Safety School Both by Pattie Fitzgerald
Who Has What? By Robie H. Harris
Everyone’s Got a Bottom By Tess Rowley
Amazing You! by Gail Satz
What Makes a Baby? by Cory Silverburg
YEARS 6-8
One question that comes up around this age is when is it no longer appropriate for a child to be naked in front of their siblings and/or for a parent to be naked in front of their child who is the opposite sex. This is a very personal topic and there is no one right answer. I would say, as soon as any party involved stops feeling comfortable with nudity, it is probably a good time to end running around naked. I know some families with grown children and they are still naked around each other (and seem to be pretty well-adjusted and comfortable in their own skin) and I know at least one mom who ended being naked around her son when he turned two because it just didn’t feel right to her. Talk to your partner and other household members and come up with something that feels right wherein everyone feels safe and respected. Beyond that, there should be rules about when non-family members are in the house…probably a good idea to have clothes on. If your child is a nudist and asks why, just explain that while it’s great your child feels so comfortable in their own skin other people feel uncomfortable around other people who are naked.
Body exploration continues…they may observe that their penis looks bigger than usual in the morning or that certain areas of their body feel good when they are rubbed. Just explain the facts….”Yes, there places such as our nipples or vagina or testicles that have more nerve endings so it can hurt there if you get hit there and it can also feel good if you touch it in a gentle way.” For extra credit you can even explain what a clitoris is. I’m talking, matter of fact, give them the info, use the anatomical words to describe their body parts. You know you are doing a good job if you daughter comes to you and tells you that her vagina itches or if you son tells you that his penis is hurting. As a side note, I don’t love petroleum based products but I will put some Acuaphor on a red, itchy, ouchy penis or vagina all day long—usually does the trick.
There may be more questions about where babies come from and about kissing and sex. I recommend using the “drip method” here. Basically answer their questions a little bit at a time and if they ask for more, give them more until you feel like perhaps that is enough for now. That way you don’t over do it because at this point they may not really want to know all about sex. You could start off by saying that a man and a woman share an egg and sperm and that forms a baby that grows in a woman’s tummy. But sometimes, a child wants more detail. For example:
Child: How did Mom get a baby in her tummy?
Parent: Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. When 2 grown ups love who love each other decide to have a baby, they put their bodies very close and part of Daddy connect with part of Mommy and voila the baby starts to grow!
Child: Like with kissing? Does it happen when you kiss?
Parent: No….just think of how many babies we would have if we got pregnant every time we kissed!
Pray for your child to move on lol…if you feel like this is enough you can stop here and say I’m so glad we can talk about these things and I can’t wait to tell you a little bit more later.
Child: So…..how does it happen?
At this point, I would probably use a book as an aid. There are some great options out there which fun pictures and language that isn’t scary to kids.
But…if you decide to go on…you may want to say something like this:
Parent: Did you know that women are born with many, many tiny little eggs in them to use one day if they decide to have a baby? Well, this may sound a bit strange to you, and it should because this is really only something adults do, but once a couple decides to have a baby, the woman accepts the man’s penis into her vagina (Thank you Kristin Bell!) and something called sperm comes from the man and swims to the eggs and once the two get together a baby starts to be made. That is why you are a little bit like Mommy and a little bit like Daddy.
Again, this is the more traditional explanation. You may need to adjust if you want to make more inclusive. But what I like about this is that you are bringing it back to your own child if that is how they were made because, let’s face it, kids love to hear about themselves. And you can always follow up with, “That is just one of the ways that a family can be formed!”
Whether your kids are asking about babies and/or sex at this age or not, I do think it’s a fantastic time to start to talk about puberty. Seems early, no? Well, yes BUT if you wait to long there is a chance you might miss the window of when your child will allow you to talk with them about this in an open way.Once it comes up with their peers, many children become embarrassed and it will be tough to have a comfortable conversation with them.
Books we like for this age:
It’s NOT the Stork by Robie H. Harris
The Boy’s Body Book & The Girl’s Body Book both by Kelli Dunham
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverburg
YEARS 9-10
These tween years are typically the entre to puberty for many kids. If they aren’t experiencing mood swings, acne, body hair, breasts etc., they are usually aware that is it going on with their peers. For those kids who are in full swing puberty, they will appreciate getting support from you (even if they don’t act like it) in the form of supplying them with deodorant, sanitary supplies, face soap, etc. I would make clear that they are in charge of taking care of themselves and that your role as their parent is to educate them and give them what they need (in a gentle way).
For those kids who have not started any outward signs of puberty, they are often filled simultaneously with a fierce jealousy of their friends who have started and nervousness about impending changes. Let them know their bodies are perfectly perfect for who they are as individuals and that it will get started when it’s ready, and you will be there to answer any questions and make sure they have what they need. Typically, girls get pubic hair and/or breast buds before they begin menstruating, but it might bring your daughter comfort to give her a little bag with a pad and a fresh pair of underwear to have in her backpack so she feels ready. Boys tend to start puberty a bit later, with pubic hair typically being the first indication.
This is where starting to talk about sex earlier rather than later should pay its dividends. Once your child starts talking with their friends, if you haven’t already established an open line of communication with them around sex, it’s very difficult to start now. They have picked up on the taboo nature of sex that we have in our society and, man, is it embarrassing for them to talk about it with their parents. If you have already given your son a heads up by the time he is 8-9 about nocturnal emissions AKA wet dreams and how they are normal and all that, he may not be as horrified to talk with you about it when it happens. Then you might just say, “Thanks for letting me know—it’s completely normal,” and you can ask him to strip his bed and put everything in the laundry. Heck, it might even be a good time to teach him about how to do laundry!
Even if you do start early, you may experience some pushback if you try to broach the topic. Timing is everything here and sometimes something can happen or your child asks you something and WOW it’s a good time to bring up whatever you feel it’s appropriate to talk about at that time. For example, if there is an event at a school where a child inappropriately touches another child and you all hear about it, debrief that with your child. Ask them what they think about what happened. Share what you think. Talk about how important consent is. Hear ideas from your child about what they might do if they were in that position. Ask them what they can do to support a friend who goes through something like that. Make sure you ask and listen instead of just talking at your child the whole time.
Now is a great time to talk about safety in digital spaces…letting your child know not to share personal information or photos online or to engage in chatting with people they don’t know. You may also want to prepare them that they might come across something that makes them feel uncomfortable and that it is always okay for them to talk to you about that and that they won’t get in trouble for whatever it is.
You may decide to talk about pornography. Now, if you were anything like me when I was a kid, I would have immediately gone to the internet and Googled “porn” to find this thing and see what it is all about. For that reason, along with the fact that most parent just don’t know what to say, many parents don’t talk about porn with their kids. BUT the fact is that by the time a lot of kids are 8, 9, 10 years old, they have come across porn on the internet, usually by mistake or sometimes a friend might show it to them. Make sure you have parental controls on the devices they have access to, but also make sure they know they have “parental access without judgment” so that they come to you if they need or want to.
It’s perfectly fine not to bring it up preemptively and to just prepared to talk about it. However, some parents choose to talk about it ahead of time. So, what do we say to our kids about this?
Here are the main points you want to get across:
There are pictures of adults doing things that may seem weird or scary and they are meant only for adults to see.
The people in the pictures are actors and it’s a kind of entertainment that usually isn’t based on reality.
Most parents don’t really want to say that pornography is bad, but we do want to hammer home the point that it is for adults only.
You can ALWAYS come and talk to me if you see something you have questions about or that made you feel yucky and I will NEVER be angry at you about it.
I found this upsetting: apparently the most common pornographic images online include women getting choked out and gang bang scenarios. So, if your child comes across this you will have to use the drip method to make sure their questions are answered. For: “Why do people want to look at pictures of women getting hurt?” you might just say, “Look, there are alllll kinds of people and for some adults this make-believe stuff is interesting to them. It is not real and it is not how most people experience sex.” And then talk about how for grown ups, sex should be enjoyable and feel good and safe to everyone involved, and that anyone involved has the right to say yes or no to any of it. This is a blog for another day, but consider that in our society girls are often socialized to think that sex is about male enjoyment, through media and other avenues. So I make sure to let all young people, especially girls, know that it should be enjoyed by all and of course all it’s important for all parties to give enthusiastic consent before proceeding.
Books we like for this age:
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris
The Nonnie books (this a fantastic series for tweens)
Guy Stuff by Kara Natterson (for boys)
The Care and Keeping of You by Kara Natterson (for girls)
The Period Book by Karen Gravelle (for girls)