HELPING KIDS BECOME GOOD DECISION MAKERS

As our children get older, they typically become more interested in making decisions about things that affect their daily lives. This can be daunting as a parent because we are so used to running things and we generally feel that we make decisions that tend to work out best. However, when we pull the lens back and think about the type of people we want our children to grow into, most of us do want to raise children who have the ability to think critically and the confidence to make decisions that are best for them. So….that means we need to let them practice!

Up front, I’m going to say that there will be instances when, left to their own devices, our children are not going to make great decisions. It helps if we keep in mind that we welcome mistakes.  So if they do make a mistake and things go awry we have to curb our tendency to say, “I told you so!” Instead, here are some things you might say:

 ·      That is not what you wanted to happen.

·      Even though it didn’t work out how you wanted it to, do you feel proud that you made your own decision?

·      Hmmm, what might you do differently next time?

·      I can think of a bunch of times that I made a decision and it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.  Let me tell you about one…

…And here are some ideas for things that we can do to help them grow into good decision makers!

1.     Try to give them an hour a day when they are in charge of making decisions.

Of course, this needs to happen within the parameters of the house rules. But I think if you focus on it you can find plenty of things they can decide. Here are some examples:

 ·      Which vegetable should we make for dinner tonight?

·      Which way should we go on our walk?

·      Where should we put this vase of flowers?

·      What game should we play?

·      What music should we listen to?

·      What color shirt do you want to wear?

·      What should we do first, ______or ______? (fill in the blanks with 2 things that are ok with you)

2.      Teach them about pros and cons.

 Next time a decision needs to be made that would lend itself to this, try a collaborative approach of making a list of pros and cons together.  Make sure you pick a decision that you have not already made and that you will be okay with whichever way it goes.  Introduce the concept: “Hmmm, this is a tough one. Let’s think about the pros (the good things) about this, and let’s think about the cons (the things that might not be so good).”  

I strongly suggest writing a list of each and making sure you write down what your child says—this makes them feel good and let’s them know that you value their input. Once you have your list of pros and cons you can discuss which side seems more compelling. It’s a great opportunity to introduce your child to the idea that while one side may have more reasons on it, one reason could be a very important one and thus may hold more weight than some of the others. 

3.     Utilize role playing, puppets, books and games to help them practice. 

Being assertive about making a decision comes easier to some kids than it does to others. Make believe games can be filled with opportunities for your child to practice making decisions and communicating them to others. Perhaps you play school with them (or they play with their peers) and they get to be the teacher and decide what the class will learn that day. Similar play can happen with puppets and dolls. 

And of course books are FILLED with opportunities to learn about decision making. As you are reading together, you can stop and say, “What do you think she will do?” or “Why do you think he made that choice?” One series we love for this is What Should Danny Do?   It is basically a choose your own adventure for the younger set.

4.     Start to teach them about financial literacy.

 Once your child has some of their own money, you might engage them in discussions about what they want to do with their money. It is okay to have some parameters—for example, you may set a limit on how much candy they can buy!  You could introduce the concepts of Saving, Spending and Donating. 

If there is something they want but they don’t have enough money for yet, explain to them that they can set aside what they have and save towards the big purchase. It might be tempting to advise them about what to buy, but try to remind them that this is their money and they are in charge.

5.     What to do if you disagree with their decision.

 There will be times when you don’t agree with the decision your child has made. Ask yourself if you can get behind their choice, particularly if the choice has more to do with your child than it does with you.  Evaluate how bad it would actually be if you let go and things go not as you had wished. You could say something like: “That is not the choice that I would make; I disagree with you but this is your thing and I trust you to come up with the choice that seems best for  you.”  (Note: remember the thing about not saying, “I told you so!” if it doesn’t work out.  Your child will likely already feel badly enough without you rubbing it in). 

You could also explore the concept of compromising, a crucial skill for social emotional development. You could say something like: “It looks like we don’t agree. I wonder if there is a way that we could come up with an outcome that includes both of our opinions. Do you have any  ideas?” You might be surprised with what your little one comes up with!

6.     Look for ways for them to be independent and allow them to do so.

 It can be very difficult to transition from being the parent of a toddler to a parent of a big kid. We become so used to watching over them and making their decisions for them.  If your child is on the younger side, you basically want to let them do things that they perceive as being independent (even if you are close by because you still feel you need to keep an eye on them). For example, if you feel it is safe enough, send them on an errand in the grocery store to grab something you forgot to put in your cart. 

 If they are a bit older, maybe they could go for a bike ride or a walk in the neighborhood with a friend. Many parents today grew up with this freedom yet we tend to offer it to our kids less and less.  As long as you agree upon a safe territory and rules to keep them safe, they will most likely come out unscathed….and more confident!