CREATING A HOLDING ENVIRONMENT FOR YOUR INFANT

The concept of creating a “holding environment” for children often doesn’t come up until babies are well into the toddler stage. However, the truth is that creating a holding environment for your child is absolutely relevant even in infancy. Probably the best argument for this is that we, as parents, start to shape how we relate with our children from when they are infants and usually continue along that path.

What is a holding environment and how (and why) do we want to create one for our child? A holding environment, in the simplest of terms, is a space that is both safe and uncomfortable. It's a space where our child is able to be whomever they are and feel however they feel (sometimes frustrated, sad, angry, overtired, anxious, upset, etc.) without being pressured in any way to "feel better" or to "fix it" or to change.

With newborns, we as doting and responsible parents are typically conditioned to respond to our infant's needs immediately. The baby cries and we jump to our feet. We believe that the sound of our child in distress indicates that there is a problem we must fix. It's a dirty diaper that needs to be changed. It's a hunger pang that must be fed. It's gas that has to be relieved. Sometimes we can't figure out the reason for our little one's cry and as we scramble to solve the puzzle, our anxiety level rises. As our anxiety level rises, our child's anxiety level rises. We are not fixing our baby's "problem." We are not making our baby happy. We are effectively making the situation worse.

So what's the deal? Are we not supposed to be there for our babies when they are in distress? On the contrary. If there is an obvious problem that needs to be fixed, by all means, change that dirty diaper, help that baby to burp, etc.

However, there does not need to be a mad, anxious dash to get that job done. We have to acknowledge that our anxiety as parents is being driven by the fact that our baby is showing us that they have big feelings. Big, uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it's big, uncomfortable feelings about gas! Sometimes it's big, uncomfortable feelings about boredom. Sometimes it's unclear what the big, uncomfortable feelings are about. And we have to learn to be okay with that.

Our children are human beings. They are going to be sad from time to time, frustrated from time to time, angry with us from time to time. They're even going to be in pain from time to time. And we, as parents, need to create a space where our child is able to express their difficult feelings without having to worry that the expression of their feelings will cause mommy and daddy's anxiety to go through the roof.

We need to re-train ourselves to be accepting of our child's difficult feelings. There are some "problems" that we are not going to be able to solve. There are some "problems" that we are also NOT MEANT to solve. Our role is instead to be there to calmly hold our child if or when they need to be held. To calmly talk to our child if or when they need to hear a soothing voice. To calmly give them words for the feelings they seem to be expressing and let them know that you understand.

When an infant or a toddler or a young child can feel that their parents are accepting of their difficult feelings, their parent is essentially giving them the message that it is okay to express and work through those emotions. The child, consequently, works through those difficult feelings more quickly... and is eventually able to return to a calmer state on their own.

Conversely, when an infant or a toddler or a young child senses that their parents get angry or frustrated or anxious when they are expressing difficult feelings, the message they receive is that their feelings are not acceptable. As they grow older, they eventually teach themselves to hide their difficult feelings from others. Many psychologists believe that this is what lays the groundwork for long term depression and anxiety.

That is not to say that if you have anxiety, you're automatically going to screw up your child! Anxiety often comes with the job of parenting, however we will serve ourselves and our babies well if we work on allowing ourselves to be more accepting of our own feelings and more accepting of our child's feelings as well -- however loud, or annoying or jarring the expression of those feelings may be!!

Even in infancy, we can see how this philosophy can benefit us. Take the example of a mom in one of our groups who was always freaking out during diaper changes. As the child cried, her anxiety level would rise and she would rush to "fix it." "Honey, take this rattle!... how bout that? Can I sing for you?! Make silly faces?! Don't be upset, honey!!"

However, once she understood that it's okay for her child to express unhappiness about being on the changing table and that she could create a holding environment for him - taking a deep breath, calmly continuing with the diaper change, calmly saying "I can see you're really upset with me and with this diaper change right now" - she started to see a big difference in how her behaves on the changing table. He's now able to work through it and calm down more quickly, without mommy "fixing" anything.

This is such a simple but super important lesson for all parents throughout every stage of parenting. It’s not always easy because many of us are wired or have learned to react to stressful situations with an emotional response, but it’s something we can work on.