SYNTAX

WHAT WE SAY & HOW WE SAY IT

Choosing your words carefully may seem a little nit-picky….but it can make a big difference in how your children process what you are saying.  It is not always possible to say the “right” thing every time but by being thoughtful about word choice at least we will do our best—which is all we can do!

Read on for a couple of examples when word choice matters… hint--we like the 2nd options better.

Why v. What

Kids may not know why they did something, and asking them can make them feel put on the spot. When you go with "What happened?" it encourages them to talk about what was going on that led them to their behavior and they can oftentimes realize that they could have made a better choice. 

Instead of: Why did you hit that boy?!

Try:  I saw you hit that boy.  What happened that made you decide to do that? What other options did you have?

State of Being v. Amount of Effort

This is textbook growth mentality--the notion that you can improve in certain areas with effort, that your abilities are not fixed. When a child thinks they are smart, and then they struggle with something or fail, they may not be as willing to get up and try again. Let's praise the effort.

Instead of: You are so smart! 

Try: Wow, you must have worked very hard to learn how to do that.

Instead of: You are such a fast runner! 

Try: I saw you trying so hard out there--I love watching you run!

Outcome v. Intention

When your child makes a mistake or a bad choice, it's tempting to get upset or to tell them, "I told you so!" More often than not, your child already feels badly about spilling the milk or hurting a friend's feelings. Instead of making them feel worse, you can become their advocate and help them work through it.  

Instead of: Oh no! What did you do?!

Try: That's not what you wanted to happen. How can I help?

Who You Are v. How You Choose to Behave

When we focus on behavior we let our kids know that they are in charge of their choices and that their decisions have consequences, good or bad. It puts them in the driver seat, lets them off the hook when they have a bad day and lets them know they can always make different decisions on how to behave. 

Instead of: You’re being a spoiled brat! 

Try:  Your choice to kick and scream is not going to get you a new toy.  Next time, maybe you will choose to help with the clean up and then we can talk about choosing a new toy. It’s up to you. You are in charge.

A Desire to Please Others v. Building Self Esteem

Ideally, we want kids to feel proud of themselves more than we want them to know that we feel proud of them. The idea here is that they will grow into people who work hard for themselves, not just to please others. 

Instead of: I’m so proud of you for putting on your shoes yourself! 

Try:  You put your shoes on by yourself for the first time! You didn’t think you could do it, and then you did it. How did that feel?

Be Careful v. Keep Your Body Safe

This one is for the more anxious parents out there! The world can look like a dangerous place when you have a little one running around. If you are constantly telling your child to be careful, it starts to lose its punch. And it often doesn't get at what you are trying to teach your child. If there is a dangerous situation, point it out, talk about it specifically with your child and try to let them manage it. 

Instead of: Be Careful! Watch out! 

Try:  Let’s talk about how to keep our bodies safe while we are playing on this structure. Got it? Ok now go play and have fun!